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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 7, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

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"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- jason sudeikis. from "paranoia", amber heard. and music from mayer hawthorne. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody, i'm jimmy kimmel, thank you
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watching. i got to show you something. back stage, i am very high strung right now. i had about a gallon of coffee an hour ago. i don't know why, i don't usually drink coffee, but somebody brought these giant iced coffees in my office, i don't know why, but they taste so good. they are like giant olsen twins, and now, i don't know why. i want to fight everybody. i want to hug people really, really hard. boy, look out, you're the most huggable guy in the room, i might get over to you. >> that is okay. >> jimmy: let me just get the energy out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. okay. that was good. i got that out of my system and i think i have a hernia. you're not losing any weight, are you? solid.
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did you know about the first lady michelle obama's "let's move" campaign. this is her initiative to try to get kids to exercise. well, guess what? they put out a hip-hop video, and who did they get to hop? that is right, noted dr. oz. >> just the other day ♪ ♪ they see me on the show. i'm not sure ♪ ♪ exercise. it is all about the move ♪ yeah, all about the move ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, you know, kids love dr. oz, do kids love dr. oz. >> the song is part of a track titled healthy eating, which is hip-hop and veggie love, which sounds like a dirty thing, i guess vegetables and hip-hop go
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hand in hand, snoop dog has been celebrating his love of leafy greens for a while. a new report from the cdc shows that obesity rate has dropped for kids in 15 states. either that, or the parents are getting fatter. it is in new jersey, dakota. each point is a percentage point, one point equals weight watcher rates, the doctors say a lot of fat kids are getting their arms stuck in vending machines and have to lose weight to get free. "the today show" is covering the subject, and this morning whoever added the stories for the day didn't appear to be paying much attention for the order in which they were presented. and for that, we give them tonight's segue of the day. >> more than two thirds of the
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adults in the country are either obese or overweight. and something new may be coming to you. it is a new breakfast waffle taco. >> and we are right back to fat. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: by the way, you know, just because you fold something doesn't make it a taco, right, guillermo? >> right, jimmy. >> jimmy: there was a press conference, changing news feeds, facebook said they changed the algorythm which determines the post that gets highlighted. it determines which posts you will find interesting, and if you miss them when they're posted they will move it back to the top of your list. it is a little creepy that facebook knows what we find interesting, i find i don't even know what i find interesting. what would be better if they find what things i find uninteresting, and to eliminate them, like this.
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>> first solid food. >> warning, warning, you are about to upload 120 pictures of your baby eating peas, would you like to delete them? >> yes, i would. >> two, one. >> brought to you by basic human decency. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: illegal. here is a good moment from rick perry, you remember he ran for president last year, he is from texas, he didn't win, but still giving speeches around the country. on saturday he was at an event called the red state gathering in new orleans, where he forgot one very important detail. >> there are many other states that embrace those conservative values, the approach that we have taken over the years. i'm in one today, in florida. you look at -- south carolina,
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you look at florida. i know, i said that -- i'm in one of those states that reflect those today. in louisiana. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: he is the only one that doesn't get why that is funny, i guess. pbs is making broadcasting history, yesterday, they named judi woodruff, they're the first anchor team, i guess kathy lee and hoda don't count, because they're drunk. i didn't even know that pbs had news casts. this, by the way, won't be seen on pbs, this is a daredevil of a guy by the name of anthony martin, he went up, had his friends lock him inside a
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casket, doesn't look like a casket. but i guess it is. they shut the box, locked it and then pushed it out of the plane. it is not so much a death-defying stunt as a death stunt. he was able to get out of the box in time. released his parachute and survived unharmed. two spectators were killed by the casket, but he was fine. there you go. a fine line between daredevil s and dumbasses, i think he found it. now two kids were in the pool, perfecting this shot. i wanted to reward them by showing it on television here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the guy in the roller
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blades clearly traveled. but other than that, very well done. for a scholarship they may want to look into the university of iowa, it is the number one party school in america for 2013. so congratulations to, and shame on them. one thing nice about iowa, it is flat. so when you pass out you won't fall off any cliffs or anything, a spokesperson took issue, saying that the percentage of kids drinking five or more drinks dropped from 73% from 2009 to 58.7% in -- i like that they use only 58% of their students drink five or more drinks. that is his defense, that is when you know you have a party school on your hand. i don't know why they would deny something like that. if i was in charge, not only would i deny it, i would mention it in all the advertising.
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>> come to the university of iowa, a world class institution of higher learning, with rigorous elements in a number of disciplines, physics, dynamics, fine art, the university of iowa, an education to remember until tomorrow morning. [ cheers and applause ] >>. >> jimmy: i still believe the best party school is no school at all. you know, the vine service, it has been around for a while. people post six seconds of video which made no sense to me until today, when this video of the pope popped up. wow -- popes, they're just like us. right? why not just put it in the hat, that is what it is there for. we have a special guest for you on the show.
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if you watched the story, the story goes the homeowners had rhubarb in their garden, some of it grew into the house next door. so one day she noticed the neighbor picking the rhubarb without permission, so the person went out to ask her about it, and the rhubarb thief responded thusly. >> what is your name, [ bleep ]? >> what do you mean what is my name? >> you call it, [ bleep ], you call it -- what are you [ bleep ]? >> shut your [ bleep ] mouth. >> you go back in, you fat-[ bleep ]. >> jimmy: you can see why she is america's sweetheart. anyway, her name is rude barb, at least that is the name i gave
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her. and tonight we have her in studio, she is going to do a cooking demonstration for us. she will make rhubarb pie. and jason suedeikis is we'll be right back. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by verizon.
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all [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone, welcome back. amber heard and mayer hawthorne are in the building. and this is -- i think you can describe this as a triumph of
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technology, snoop dog or snoop lion, if you prefer to call him by his christian name. he has a new app that put s stickers. you have a new app that gives you special stickers, one of them called the golden j. you put that in your mom's mouth or something. how much do you think it costs to purchase the app? $99.99. a digital sticker, which is a term for nothing. it doesn't exist, in its first week, the golden j has been purchased 15 times, probably by the same guy who got high and forgot he bought it. can you imagine 15 days from now, 15 stoners are going to be very confused by their apps receipt. and we have a very special guest
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star here, a viral star. rhubarb, is here to teach us, please say hello to rude barb, everyone. look at this, wow, this is a real treat to meet you in person, and thank you so much for being here. it is great to have you here. >> [ bleep ] you, [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: all right, so i see we have a lot of things here, what are we making tonight? >> we're making [ bleep ] soup, grab a spoon. >> jimmy: is that right? we're making -- well, that doesn't sound good at all. looks like we're chopping rhubarb there, is that what it is? >> no, it is your mom's [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that is not a friendly way to begin this segment. now, is that the rhubarb that you picked from your garden? >> that is it, eisenhower
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>> jimmy: all right, not that big a deal? i see we have strawberries? >> yeah, strawberries, we got eggs, [ bleep ], a bunch of butter. >> jimmy: do you eat a lot of butter? >> it got to eat a lot of butter, it keeps me from getting blocked downstairs, keeps the highway moving. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: is this a store bought pie shell you have here? >> yeah. >> jimmy: now isn't that kind of cheating, buying that from the store? >> yeah, aren't you a drunken lefty -- >> jimmy: let's get to the heart of this, how do you -- >> all right, you take a half cup of flour, and put it in the thing o-- >> jimmy: put it in the pie shell? >> put it in, [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: just put it in there o -- >> there is syrup -- >> jimmy: there is no syrup in there.
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>> that is [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: all right, i didn't know you were supposed to put it in there, and then you mix it -- >> put it in there -- you do a lot of [ bleep ], when it is finished -- >> jimmy: oh, it is finished already. >> what is your [ bleep ], problem -- >> jimmy: so this is not actually your pie? >> just like that. and what i do is cover the whole thing in a nice drizzle of bailey's. what does that remind you of? >> jimmy: nothing at all. >> drunk -- >> jimmy: no, it doesn't -- really. now, can we try it? >> get your own, nut munch. where is your name on it, [ bleep ]? >> jimmy: in name is not on it. is it true the leaves are
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poisonous, and if you eat it -- guillermo, did you want to try it? >> yeah, let's bring up the porky puerto rico guy -- >> jimmy: you can put it on the website? >> no, you can post this in your [ bleep ]'s [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: i'll pass that along to my father. >> for this and all the delicious recipes, be sure to check out my new book, 300 recipes, for you to [ bleep ] off to. >> jimmy: thank you so much, rude bash. i appreciate it. we have a good show for you tonight. from the movie, "paranoia." and we'll be right back with jason sudeikis. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: >> jimmy: tonight on the show from the new movie "paranoia" amber heard is here.
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we have music from mayer hawthorne, from the sony outdoor stage. we have a good show tomorrow, harrison ford will be here, keri russell, and music from joan jett from the blackhearts. you know, previously from saturday night live, he wants you to forget all that. he is a movie starñr now. please welcome jason sudeikis. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good to see you. >> nice to see you too. >> jimmy: you look very handsome. >> thank you, likewise. >> jimmy: since you were here before, you became engaged.
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you divorced saturday night live, and left them alone? >> yes, amicable, we split things right down the middle. >> jimmy: you were from kansas? >> yes, born in virginia, raised in kansas. >> jimmy: and in kansas, you played basketball -- >> community college, which is about as serious as the classes. yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah, we have our moment. >> jimmy: were you a good student in general? >> i was a better basketball player than student. i liked talking in class and stuff and thinking of ideas, but i was bad at homework. i failed between the junior year and senior year, like six semesters of english. i just wouldn't hand in papers, get a rough draft, and not get the final done -- >> jimmy: that surprises me. >> i make a living now doing
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that, i was like why do this for a letter? i want money. >> jimmy: you lived in las vegas for a few years, you were working there? >> i did second city, the theater company, we had second city in the flamingo. >> jimmy: excellent. >> nothing like laughs and slot machines, you can hear all that while year in there. >> jimmy: where did you live? >> the exact intersection where tupak got shot, i was not there -- >> jimmy: i used to deliver pizzas to that intersection when i lived there. >> that is a really odd town. this is -- it was right off the strip. it was the most transient group of people, they would show up for a couple of weeks, get a get rich quick idea. we would just give everybody
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nicknames, a guy had a great idea to invent a slot machine, instead of it being a lever, it would be something you would pull, so people wouldn't hurt their rotator cuff, it was like he had not been in there recently, he didn't realize the machines were different. >> jimmy: you don't want reality to step on your dreams. >> that is constrtrue, you see you want to see. he always talked about sex stuff. and i remember one time seeing him with a lady, he was inside a lady's mouth like in the hot tub. we dubbed him porno mike. you get it, right? you get it. you know. >> jimmy: like a jaw breaker. >> you get it. he was this big. and so you had -- and then we had another guy that lived down the hall from us that always
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wore shorts and then he would always wear cowboy boots and a cowboy hat and we called him boots. he lied to us and told us he was the lead singer. he might have been at some point. but he was great. he had like that kind of hair that looked like it was attached to the hat. like if you took off the hat and put it on a mannequin -- it looked like -- >> jimmy: that is the lead singer of war -- >> we had these two ladies that lived next door, identical twins, they were probably six years old. they never laughed. they were always complaining about us screaming and yelling in the pool at 2:00 in the afternoon, so we were only acting at night, so we would wake up at 1:30 and get in the pool. and they both looked like bob eucher, a combination between him and mr. burns. like a thin, frail bob eucher.
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>> jimmy: so you got around -- >> that was my posse, my clic -- >> jimmy: it was before your time, i learned something interesting about you. i could probably talk to you about this for a month or so but you have no sense of smell, true? >> true, since birth, i never remember being able to smell anything. >> jimmy: how do you realize you have no sense of smell? >> you never notice as a kid, as a kid, it is always pizza and farts, and somehow as you get older people complain about the smell of your feet. and you're like i can't smell it. and touring with second city, we were with a bunch of other 20-year-olds, we would go places in the midwest, i couldn't tell, yeah, i had no idea. >> jimmy: does it affect your
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sense of taste? are you able to enjoy -- >> i think it is affected -- it also affects memory. i think there are a lot of things i haven't really gotten to the bottom of. >> jimmy: yeah, you smell things, but it reminds you of nothing. >> it may remind you of everything. >> jimmy: also when you want to take a moment to enjoy life, you have to just stop and look at the roses. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to talk about the experiment, when we come back i would like to blindfold you o-- >> i love it already. i trust you. >> jimmy: we're just going to blindfold you and let the audien audience touch you. jason sudeikis, everyone. we'll be right back.
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>> all i'm asking, you we drive home together in an rv. >> uh-huh. >> and the rv has a little bit of pot in it. >> drug dealing? >> no, it is not drug dealing. 10,000 bucks, and the flight is already paid for. >> you can't buy me. >> i am not buying you, all right, i'm renting you.
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[ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you get paid on the days that jennifer aniston is giving you a lap dance or -- >> it is you know, a day at the office. >> jimmy: tell everybody the general concept of the film. >> oh -- no, no, basically -- one word at a time. >> jimmy: you're a drug dealer. and jennifer andiston is a. >> lap dancer. >> jimmy: and you meet two kids and one of them is. >> homeless. basically, i'm a drug dealer who has to move some marijuana across the mexican border in order to pay back the money i lost. so i hire this stripper played by jen, and a young homeless
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girl, to be my fake family. >> jimmy: it is actually a good plan. >> i wouldn't do the movie otherwise, unless it is a good plan, you know. it has got to have locked down logic in order for me to jump on board. same thing with "hall pass" and "horrible bosses." to get me to sign up! >> jimmy: that is right, you may not have a sense of smell in real life but you can smell something if it is phoney. >> that is right, you get it. >> jimmy: how are we going to do this? are you going to just close your eyes? are we blindfolded. don't look over here. >> i already said i wasn't going to. >> jimmy: here is the blindfold. >> do i close my eyes. >> jimmy: you don't close your eyes when you put it on. i'm going to grab some stuff, i don't know how good this wig is. we're going to hand you these
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items o items one at a time, and see if you can identify it. >> this is comfy. >> jimmy: we're going to hand you these items, and just is start with that. >> oh, that is interesting. i know -- you know what? that is beef jerky. >> jimmy: that is right. that is a beef jerky. very well done. >> yeah, either that or like a boiled stick. beef jerky. just set that here? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> what else? >> jimmy: the next item i'm handing to you right now. >> come on, are you kidding me? i know what this is. it is big bird's [ bleep ]! >> jimmy: stop. >> it is a twinkie.
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>> jimmy: all right, next item. what is it? >> ooh. >> jimmy: well, we wanted stuff that smelled. >> i'm guessing it is chocolate. i'm guessing -- is this a piece of dookie? did you hand me dookie? >> jimmy: that is butter. >> i can't believe it is butter. >> not bad. >> jimmy: just go ahead and put that on the table. there you go. >> oh, is it lower -- >> jimmy: next item is -- >> oh, look at that. all right, this is pam anderson -- this is a water balloon, right? >> jimmy: that is a water balloon. and our final item. >> yeah, that is great, though. >> jimmy: this one is like -- >> like a b-cup water balloon. oh boy. >> jimmy: again, this is something that if you were able to smell it, it would be helpful as opposed to the water balloon.
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you know what this is? >> this is a giant gummy bear. >> jimmy: that is exactly what it is! how did you know that? look at that. >> i tell you, because you know -- >> jimmy: you're like spider-man. this is unbelievable. >> i am exactly like spider-man. it is my turn, andrew garfield. >> jimmy: jason sudeikis. we'll be right back with amber heard. ♪ ♪ >> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, are you obsessed with keeping your phone charged? i admit i am. our friends at verizon wireless gave people on the street a chance to confess their shameful charging behavior to guillermo. >> hi, how are you? tell me about your charging
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behavior. >> constant guillermo interesting, do you think more of charging your phone than calling your life? it is okay, we'll keep it between us. just us and the national -- the city. this is guillermo, how are you? >> good guillermo i'm here with your wife. the phone is about to die, can you bring us a charger? i need a couple of chargers also. tell me about your husband, i bet you charge your phone all the time. >> i do it all the time guiller. >> i'm your battery here, i'm dying here. >> wake up, wake up. >> i'm dying, i'm dying. she is in the shade -- >> oh, you're wonderful.
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>> jimmy: hi, our next know from "zombieland" and friday night lights. please say hello to amber heard. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, now, we're going to blindfold you and see if you can identify guillermo. how is your sense of smell, good? >> spot on, last i checked. >> jimmy: okay, very good, your parents are here tonight, i understand, where are your parents? >> they're there, with the cowboy hat --
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>> jimmy: these are your real parents, not your movie parents. >> well, i rent them. actually, my dad is kind of my movie parent. he has had a couple of gigs himself. >> jimmy: oh, yeah? >> yeah, yeah, he comes on set and hangs out. in order to get him to stop trying to blow up the equipment with the prop guys, we just put him in the movie. i guess they made him take off his hat. i didn't recognize him -- >> jimmy: oh, he always has his hat on. there he is. where are you guys from? >> texas, which is going to shock you. >> jimmy: i guess, well, that makes sense, and were your parents excited when you decided to leave texas and come to california to be an actress? >> yeah, i don't know about that. >> jimmy: they were not? >> yeah, like any reasonable people, they were -- >> jimmy: skeptical? >> frightened and angry. my dad actually -- i don't want to embarrass him.
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my dad -- my dad actually tried to give me a gun, as i was boarding the plane, or actually -- >> jimmy: as you were boarding the plane? >> entering the airport -- >> jimmy: he figured you would be better off in prison than -- >> he missed the memo, about not bringing your gun. >> jimmy: every once in a while, i'm aware of people who don't remember that rule. what kind of gun did he give you? >> well, that is the thing, his 17-year-old daughter is going to l.a. and he decided that because i had this slight aversion to carrying guns in my purse -- >> jimmy: yes, i have the same thing. >> he thought my problem with it was that it was not pretty enough. >> jimmy: the gun? >> uh-huh. so he very thoughtfully took out a very special pearl-handled
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one, and said hey, baby girl, i got you a pretty one, i don't got a hammer, so you just pull it right out of your purse. and i said daddy, you see these cops over there? they're going to shoot us. >> jimmy: yeah, well, maybe you will meet a nice air marshal on the plane, and as he cuffs you, you really hit it off. >> that is a good start. >> jimmy: wow, that is pretty crazy, i want to ask you about this photo. you appear to be photo-bombing a couple, who are these people? and why are you doing this? >> well, i don't know. >> jimmy: you don't know why you're doing it or don't know who the people are? >> both, well, i guess -- i had had a conversation with my representative and decided i needed a more lingegitimate car, to be taken seriously as an actress, it was about time for me to do that. so i chose of course none other
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than the fall launch to debut my series. and this couple had been kind of taking photographs of me all night. and it was just -- >> jimmy: sneakily taking photographs? >> yeah, but discreetly, all night long, there are only so many angles that you can get -- i asked the photographer to take pictures, he is the photographer that roams and takes pictures for guests, as i posed for the pictures -- >> jimmy: you jumped in there, well, they don't look like they belong at the guest party, i'm going to be honest with you. now, this movie that you're in, harrison ford -- i mean, this is quite a cast that you got there. >> yeah, harrison ford, gary oldman and liam hemsworth.
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>> jimmy: is that intimidating to be on set with guys -- >> well, they told me who they were as i was getting there -- i mean, they're legends. >> jimmy: yeah, we all know that. >> they're amazing. i just feel really lucky that i get to work with these pros. they're pros. >> jimmy: yeah, for sure, he will be here tomorrow night -- i'm pretty sure you know who he is. >> and richard dreyfuss is in it, as well. >> jimmy: wow, we haven't seen him in a while. >> he, by the way, doesn't know who i am -- >> jimmy: even now after working with him? >> no, especially now. i'll see him at a press shoot, we have had reshoots twice for this movie. so it has been a process of me being recognized by richard dreyfuss, he always thinks i'm somebody else.
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>> jimmy: well, jump into his photographs. well, congratulations, paranoia, august 16th. i'll be right back with mayer hawthorne. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony.
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>> jimmy: his new album is called "where does this door go" playing the song "the stars are ours" mayer hawthorne. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hey ho hey ho ♪ ♪ hey ho hey ♪ ♪ sister's schoolwork is ready i was high as a kite we're gathered round ♪ ♪ the kitchen table now and we're coming back to life rumor spread like a virus ross' folks house tonight ♪
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♪ we're making plans across the cable now in the ultraviolet light well we're breakin ♪ ♪ all the rules cuz they're getting in the way and we'll never be as young as we are today ♪ ♪ and they're claiming i'm a fool but i look the other way they can tell me what to ♪ ♪ do when i'm old and grey now the stars are ours tonight we'll worry 'bout tomorrow ♪ ♪ when the sun starts shining bright then we'll sleep but now the stars ♪ ♪ are ours tonight we'll worry 'bout tomorrow when the sun starts shining bright ♪ ♪ then we'll sleep in the chrysler lebaron white with black velvet seats the trunk is shakin ♪ ♪ up the neighborhood
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as we terrorize the streets allan's head's out the window cigarette in his teeth ♪ ♪ the neighbors tellin' us to slow it down shake their heads in disbelief ♪ ♪ well we're breakin all the rules cuz they're getting in the way and we'll never be as ♪ ♪ young as we are today and they're claiming i'm a fool but i look the other way ♪ ♪ they can tell me what to do when i'm old and grey now the stars ♪ ♪ are ours tonight we'll worry 'bout tomorrow when the sun starts shining bright ♪ ♪ then we'll sleep but now the stars are ours tonight we'll worry 'bout tomorrow ♪ ♪ when the sun starts shining bright then we'll sleep ♪


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